Shameless Ideas To Help You Quit Your New Year’s Resolutions Without Guilt

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

New year’s resolution (noun) — an inexplicable intent designed to induce feelings of failure and inadequacy commonly practiced by species of the human race in large numbers, most notably on an arbitrary date that marks the time it takes for the astronomical object they inhabit to orbit its closest star

Source — yours truly

Before y’all come at me with your pitchforks and torches, can I just ask –

How many people do you know who have successfully accomplished all of their New Year’s Resolutions … in any year?

And <gasp>, it actually made them happy when they did?

Go on, think.

I’ll wait.

Drawing a blank?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

And being a disillusioned Resolution-ist myself, I am now proud to say that I am a changed woman.

No more feelings of guilt for not having lost 10 pounds (yet) or not having become a millionaire with 3+ income streams including launching my own Cryptocurrency and NFT merch.

Begone all these trashy dreams of social media glory.

Burn in hell all you nasty pangs of comparing myself to everyone in my network landing promotions or getting married or both.

This year will be different.

I present to you… the Anti-Resolution scoreboard.

Whip out a pen and paper folks, this one’s gonna be wild…

Instructions –

1. Give yourself 10 points for every option that applies to you

2. Add up your total score to see how you rank

3. Post your score shamelessly in the comments and gloat

Anti-resolution #1: Personal accomplishments

I do not have to set some lofty goal of landing a fancy designation/earning a bajillion bitcoins/making the Forbes 30 under 30 list/ballroom dancing with the Queen/Unicornify-ing my “start-up”/whatever else is cool these days…because

A. I have at least one person who is unconditionally invested in my wellbeing

B. My self-worth depends on living in accordance to my value system, and my peace of mind hinges only on doing the right thing

C. I can feed myself and can donate my money or volunteer my time to make a real difference in the world

(Write down your score)

Anti-resolution #2: Personal possessions

I do not have to acquire a private jet, a fancy car, diamond-studded watch, gold-plated toilet seats (!), private island, private space shuttle yada yada yada …because

A. I have more than enough money/resources to meet all my basic needs and my happiness does not depend on ‘things’ anymore

B. I have nearly always had a roof over my head, food on the table and the ability to pay my bills on time

C. I have latent anxiety when people give me things for free because I don’t know where I can store the extra stuff in my house

Anti-resolution #3: Personal legacy

I do not need to have a movie made about my life/a documentary about my scandals/songs written by people whose heart I broke/some dumbass tattooing my name across his/her chest …because

A. I do not live to impress anyone, I only care about being better than I was yesterday

B. My opinion of myself matters more than anyone else’s opinion of me

C. I see love and admiration as something to give and radiate, not something to enslave or possess

D. Bonus prompt worth 100 additional points — I am camera-shy and do not like the paparazzi

How to read scores –

  • 0–10 : Okay, you can set resolutions, you enjoy being miserable, ya damn masochist
  • 10–90 : You badass, can we be BFFs, forever and ever and ever…..?
  • 90+ : you bloody beast, marry me already!!!

And that’s the way the cookie crumbles folks…

What’s your score?

PS — if this made you laugh, consider sharing it with someone who could use a laugh today.

Happy New Year my darling friends!




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